Are you phubbing your partner? (2024)

1. During a typical mealtime that my partner and I spend together, I pull out my cell phone
2. I place my cell phone where I can see it when I am together with my partner
3. When my cell phone rings or beeps, I pull it out even if I’m in the middle of a conversation with my partner
4. I glance at my cell phone when talking to my partner
5. If there is a lull in a conversation with my partner, I will check my cell phone

Sounds…familiar.

Surveys find that89% of peoplereported using their phone during their most recent social interaction—but how does this affect our relationships? Is it reallysobad to sneak a peek at that email while we’re chatting with our spouse?

Let’s investigate. Today, we’re talking aboutphubbing.

Surely researchers aren’t using that word seriously?

Oh, they are.Phubbing, a portmanteau1of “phone” and “snubbing,” refers to situations where we ignore (i.e., snub) someone in favor of our phone. We can “phub” (or get phubbed by) anyone in our lives, but our focus today is on phubbing in the context of romantic relationships.

Phubbing, perhaps unsurprisingly,is associated withpoorer quality interactions, conflict, feelings of rejection, decreased trust, and reduced relationship satisfaction. We’ve likely all experienced the sting of a partner’s eyes wandering to the screen during a conversation, and yet, so many of us are guilty of it, too.2

Why do we phub?

Let’s say you’re out on a date with your partner. You’re excited to finally spend some time together and you’ve agreed this date should be phone-free so you can reconnect with each other. You order drinks, but before they arrive, your phone buzzes. It’s a text from [the babysitter/your mom/your best friend who just caught her partner cheating/the town gossip]. You pick up your phone to check that nothing too important has happened and then quickly put it away. But by the time your phone is back in your pocket, your partner is immersed in checking [the game score/the news/what’s trending on TikTok]. You glare at them, but rather than offering the appropriate mea culpa, they glare right back. Your date just turned into a phubbing disaster.

Differing assessments between partners of what “counted” as a phub are common. A well-known bias, thefundamental attribution error, reflects that we tend to see our own behavior as due to the situation or environment (“I checked my phone because it could have been an emergency!”) and others’ bad behavior as due to their personality or bad habits (“my partner is addicted to their phone”). Put simply, we are more likely to classify our partner’s phone use as “phubbing,” but not our own. Our partner, of course, is likely to do the same. And as one study showed, it’sthe perception of being phubbedthat matters more for your relationship satisfaction than the intention behind the behavior.

The fact is, we pick up our phones for all sorts of reasons that are (sometimes) entirely reasonable. We pick up our phones to cope with uncomfortable emotions, likeboredom. And we turn to phones when we experience painfulinterpersonally-oriented emotions, like rejection or anger. We do it when we feelsocially anxious, want information, or because we are worried we’remissing out on something fun that’s happening elsewhere(FoMO).

So, what’s so bad about phubbing?

Especially in social situations, phones offer what seems, at least in the moment, like helpful soothing or distraction. But phone-based coping can easily fall into the “short-term gain, long-term pain” bucket of tools.

Disengaging from your feelings or from your partner can make it hard to get a conversation or connection back on track in part because phubbing feeds on itself.Retaliatory phubbingis real, but it’s more than that. Phubbing has a tendency to set off a chain reaction. One person picks up their phone, effectively disengaging and leaving the other person hanging. This makes it more likely that the other person will then pick uptheirphone, which makes them unavailable for re-engagement if the first person tries. Not to mention, once phubbing occurs, it helps create social norms that make it more likely to happen in the future.

In short: phubbing isn’t good for our relationships. So, how do we stop?

5 tips to stop phubbing and start connecting

Here are some tips for managing phubbing in our relationships, based on the research:

1. Be aware

The first step is noticing. We’re likely well aware when we’re being phubbed, but less so when we’re the one doing the phubbing. Gently ask your partner if you might point out when you notice them phubbing, and agree to let them do the same. Extra points if you agree to do so by shoutingPHUB!in public (seriously, though, humor can help, here). This works with kids, too. In fact, your kids will likely relish the opportunity to tell you when you’re on your phone too much.3

2. Get on the same screen–er, page.

Having different ideas of what constitutes acceptable phone use behavior can be a recipe for phubbing. So, discuss shared expectations for phone use in contexts like: the dinner table, the car, hanging out before bed, on a date, etc.4Be willing to negotiate here, and remember that mistakes will happen. Assume good intentions whenever you can!

3. Be transparent

If you do need to use your phone during an interaction with your partner, be open about why. If you need to respond to a time-sensitive work email, tell them. This can also help raise your awareness of your own phone behavior—you’re unlikely to feel great about narrating the fact that you need to do a quick scroll through Instagram. It can help to be open about any other motivations for phone use, too—maybe feeling anxious about a potential conflict, or frustrated by something they said.

4. Phonnect

That’s using phones toconnect, instead of snub (Note: not a formal research term. Yet.) Find ways to connect using phones, both when you’re apart (i.e., texting, calling, Facetime) and together. Maybe you look at family photos and talk about how adorably, perfectly round your 7-month-old’s face is getting.5Or maybe you get cozy on the couch and playStrands.6

5. Take phone breaks

It can be great to connect around our phones, but perhaps more important is also finding times to connectwithoutthem. Try picking certain times of the day or week when you keep your phones out of sight. It can be difficult to be “off the grid,” even for brief periods of time, but one thing to remember: if you’re always available to everyone, you’re neverfullyavailable to the person right in front of you.